Sunday, August 23, 2009

An American Divorce

As found on, a bit of Sunday "humor" for you...


Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and

Obama supporters, et,al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce.
I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right, so let's just end it on friendly terms.
We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences, and go our separate ways.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy!

Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

Here's how:
1) We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.
2) You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
3) Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.
4) You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
5) We will keep the capitalistic, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
6) You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens.
7) We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.
8) We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
9) You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
10) You can have the peaceniks and war protesters.
11) We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
12) You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain.
13) You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.
14) We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and over-sized luxury cars.
15) You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
16) You can give everyone health care if you can find any practicing doctors.
17) We'll continue to believe health care is a luxury and not a right. And, that we have the best care in the world right here in America.
18) We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem.
19) I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine," "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing," "Kum bay ya" or "We Are the World."
20) We'll practice trickle-down economics and you can give trickle-up poverty your best shot.
21) Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots. If you do not agree, hit delete.

In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.


John J. Wall

Law Student and an American {Sherman}

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you. Thank You.

I think the only things he forgot are The Constitution, which leftists clearly don't respect, and the Declaration of Independence. I suppose they both fall under the category of 'our history' to some degree, but I'd add them to the list, just to be sure.

He also forgot to be sure that Alec Baldwin, Janine Garofalo, and a handful of others made the 'please take' list, but they are leftists, so I guess it's assumed...?


Opus #6 said...

A great piece.

bluepitbull said...

Love it.

Foxwood said...

Do you believe the Constitution is the rule of law? Do you believe in the original intent of our founding fathers? Do you want to reform Congress? If your answer is yes, we have to work together to make this happen.

Courtney said...

haha I love it. LOVE IT! hahah